Fun Corner

User manual for Bangalore

EXPLANATION OF A FEW  INFRASTRUCTURAL TERMS FOR THE BENEFIT OF BANGALORE RESIDENTS
1. Lakes: These are places where citizens are supposed to keep their untreated sewage till nature takes care of it. The remaining stuff is then taken up by tankerwallahs to be supplied as drinking water. The banks of a lake are useful to deposit the sanitary waste. It is scientifically proven that this causes any leachate to flow into the lake and get safely evaporated, rather than getting into groundwater.

2. Borewells: These are pipes meant to tap oil, to keep the diesel prices (and inflation) under check. Some borewells are also aimed at mining of heavy metals. The water we get is a byproduct, which will be bailed out soon.

3. Garuda Malls: This is the core business of BBMP, and considered by some experts to be an essential service for Bangaloreans at par with ambulance service. However, this core business is increasingly threatened by the other non-essential distractions like water supply, garbage-collection, health services, roads and public transport. Luckily the farsighted BBMP officials have already hived off some of these tasks to the public, and will soon rid of the rest to focus on their core business. Once that goal is achieved, the garden city will be renamed as Garuda city, although some citizens have voted in favor of naming the city after kites that we see circling over the dumps everywhere.

4. BMTC Buses: These are mobile citizen containers where you get to rub shoulders (in fact, whole body) with your fellow citizens. These are fully compatible with the pothole system (TM) of the city. All containers are fitted with doors to prevent excess citizenry from falling out when they navigate over the potholes. Its drivers are especially trained to stop in the middle of the virtual roads, and away from the virtual bus stops, which is the only source of daily exercise for Bangaloreans who lead a sedentary lifestyle.

5. The Bangalore diathlons: According to BBMP sources, Bangalore will soon be a pioneer in hosting diathlons, in which the citizens will be using the potholes system (TM) for swimming and running. However, at present, our potholes are not deep enough for this purpose, and all government agencies are making concerted efforts to reach the target size before the rains are over. The diathlons will replace the Bangalore run event, for which we have no level surface.

6. Zebra crossings: This is a relic of the British era, and totally incompatible with India because we have no zebras in the first place. Alert motorists flash their headlights at pedestrians who stray on these patches. (Refer to “headlight flash” below). Also used to park autos; so that after crossing the road you can get straight into a waiting auto.

7. Headlight flashing: This means “lemmegofirst!”. (This definition reflects how fast the other person has to react to this signal.) Some drivers use it to mean “I am on the wrong side, but so what?” or “Watch out- No breaks!”; however according to the RTO sources, the proper signal for these occasions is to keep the headlight on. For any other occasions, the use of this technique is now deprecated: Lean on your horn instead (air horns preferred).

8.   Roads .   These are essentially portions of tar connecting potholes. Their main purpose is to connect garbage piles to each other. However, any living or nonliving thing that requires to ambulate is allowed to use them.  Civic authorities ensure that any road not having sufficient potholes is dug up by the Water Supply Board or cable laying companies.

9  Speed Breakers. These are uneven bumps on the road meant  to control the speed of traffic to less than 20 kmph just in case potholes have failed to do so. They are the most well built portions of the entire road, surviving even when the surrounding road had disintegrated into loose gravel.

10.Pavements.        These are small strips of uneven mud or disconnected slabs of stone on either side of roads. Since most roads are not recognizable as roads, these strips of mud are useful in recognizing the lateral limits of the road. They serve as repositories for garbage and a fast lane for motorcyclists and cyclists at traffic lights. Since stray dogs perform their ablutions here, some citizens encourage their pet dogs  to do same.

11.Traffic lights.      These are a collection of green, amber and red lights that keep lighting up in rotation, though unevenly. The red light remain on the  longest, with the green being a distant second. The amber light is on  just for a fraction of a second, forcing the motorist to quickly monitor if a traffic cop is present, and accordingly decide if he can rush through or risk applying brakes and getting slammed from behind. This is intended mainly to teach motorists the art of decision making under stress.  These lights are applicable only to drivers of private cars who have just returned from abroad or have recently paid a fine.   Two wheelers ignore the red light completely unless a traffic constable is present or they sense that other traffic will unhesitatingly mow them down.  The traffic lights are apparently not applicable to tractors, cyclists and pedestrians. Junctions where there are traffic lights are places where sometimes junior traffic constables hang around watching in amusement as motorists honk in frustration as their path is blocked by a bus, truck or pedestrians. In absence of proper bus shelters, these places also serve as indicators to buses that they should stop to pick up passengers about 20 ft after crossing the traffic light.

12. Lanes. These are imaginary longitudinal divisions of roads into two or three equal divisions. Their main purpose is to give an idea of how many vehicles can fit side by side on a road. For instance, a two lane road is expected to fit at least 4 vehicles side by side. At a traffic junction, traffic police do not intervene as long as the vehicles waiting for a right turn are   considerate enough to leave one car width for the traffic going straight. Bus drivers eventually develop skills to squeeze through this space left for one car.

13.  Flyovers.             These are brief stretches of road where a motorist can test whether his vehicle’s third and fourth gears are still working. They also allow the homeless to have a roof over their heads, and two wheelers drivers to take shelter during rains. Sometimes, these flyovers provide a nice place for vehicles backed up from a choke point to wait, offering a nice elevated view of the area around while waiting.

14.Storm water drains. These are places for roadside tea shops to throw used plastic tea cups into. Also used for excess garbage that cannot be accommodated on the pavements.

15. Potholes. These are perpetual sources of income for contractors and vehicle mechanics. They also serve as collection points for rainwater till evaporation does the needful. In addition to regulating speed, they regulate traffic volume by keeping people off roads unless they absolutely need to, or are feeling suicidal.

16.Taxes.       Taxes are money paid by citizens to the government merely for the privilege of existing. An often held misconception is that taxes are paid for services, but this misconception is being gradually dispelled. Tax payers have taken to Bhagawad Gita to understand that they just have to do their duty of paying taxes, and maintain a detached attitude as far as the results of paying taxes are concerned. Municipal authorities consider collection of taxes as their primary task, and they perform the task with admirable efficiency, using leading edge technology for citizens to part with their money at the click of a mouse.  Once collected, the money gathered transits from government coffers to private accounts of contractors towards reimbursement for works carried out, many of which are usually not readily apparent to the tax payers.

17.  Traffic Management. The main philosophy of traffic management is to let motorists sort out things between themselves. Fatalities in accidents are kept minimal by restricting speeds to 20 km or below, mainly through efficient use of potholes, speed breakers, displaced road divider medians, cows, pedestrians etc. Other accidents which merely cause dents are encouraged to be sorted out between  affected parties by stopping their vehicles wherever the accident occurred, thus further regulating the speed of traffic.    To ensure that   two traffic jams do not merge, road junctions are left unrepaired, thus taking care that barely 10 vehicles can cross a traffic junction every 3 minutes. Public transport is kept moving by allowing buses to take advantage of their size, and auto rickshaws their maneuverability. Pedestrian convenience is ensured by allowing them to walk or cross roads anywhere, with the slow traffic offering minimal risk.

18.Water Supply.   Since Bangalore is a huge city, water supply has been decentralized by leaving the job mostly to bore-wells and water tankers. Once citizens have developed a detachment to the taxes already paid, ( see para 9) they do not mind paying again for this service. This efficient arrangement leaves the water supply board to concentrate on its main task of digging up roads.

19. Garbage Disposal.  With the government having provided pavements and storm water drains for garbage disposal, citizens need to do their bit by segregating. In case any citizen wonders about  the futility  of segregation if the entire thing ends up together on the pavements anyway, he should get back to Bhagawad Gita and understand that he just needs to do his duty and maintain a detached attitude towards the results of his activity.

20. Housing   Civic bodies have realized that keeping dry lakes and vacant tracts of land garbage free causes an unnecessary strain on   the exchequer. However, without keeping these areas clean, there is a huge risk of mosquito breeding and attendant health issues. In a brilliant move, housing development authorities have handed over these areas to builders, and generated huge amounts of money for the exchequer through registrations. Citizens can now enjoy staying in luxurious condominiums. Since over efficient builders complete the apartments years before civic bodies can build roads, men in these apartments can justify to their wives the need to buy expensive off road vehicles such as SUVs. An unintended benefit is the huge impetus given to the high end SUV market.

21.Population Control.        This is one area where civic authorities have failed completely, though not due any fault of theirs. Despite their efforts to prevent too many people from settling down in Bangalore, God had played dirty with them by gifting Bangalore with terrific weather. The Telengana agitation has also countered their efforts by making Hyderabad less attractive. Efforts are underway to mitigate the good weather by reducing the tree cover by practically gifting tree covered lands to builders, hoping that this might make the weather worse. However, it is expected that weather change will take some time, and it may be decades before permanent Bangalore citizens can expect settlers flee to other places in the near future.”